Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Grieving the Loss of my youth

This is titled "Grieving the Loss of my Youth", but I don't believe grieving is the correct term.  Because if you look at the 5 stages of grief, they are 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression and 5. Acceptance.  And I suppose I should tell you what part of my youth I am actually grieving.  This is actually a little personal.  I promised personal and boy are you gonna get it!  And, I might as well just dive right in.

I believe that I am starting Perimenopause.  Perimenopause is described on Dictionary.com as:  the period around the onset of menopause that is often marked by various physical signs (as hot flashes and menstrual irregularity).  Things are becoming irregular for me.  By coincidence, I made an appointment with my gynecologist last week to go this coming Thursday for my "annual".  And I made the appointment before I realized things were getting kind of wonky.  Now my stepmom believes that there is no such thing as coincidence.  She believes in "God things".  That anything that happens in your life is from God.  So,  I guess it was a God thing that my period started acting wonky right as I was making my appointment--8 months later than I should have made my appointment. 

Anyway, back to the grieving.  In the grieving process I have skipped Denial.  There is no denying that it's a natural process in a woman's life.  It's going to happen whether I want it to or not.  I think I skipped anger.  Really, who am I going to be angry with?  I haven't tried to bargain with God.  With what do I really have to bargain?  There's nothing I can give him in return for the extension of my youth.  I believe I've gone straight to depression.  I'm sad. 

I'm sad because I still remember my first day of Kindergarten and first grade and third grade.  I have no idea what happened to my memory of second grade.  But, I still remember vividly things from my childhood.  So, how can so many years have gone by so quickly that I am now finding myself at this point of my life?   Where did all the years go? 

I'm sad because I feel like I never hit my peak and now I'm on a downslide.  My poor husband!  My husband told my kids that when mommy and daddy are together at night we're "smooching".  I'm wondering how this change will affect our "smooching".  I've gotta tell you, my libido was never great to start with!  If it gets worse, yikes! 

I've spent several of the last few days crying about it.  I never wanted to go through menopause.  And I never would have thought it would have begun this soon.  I would rather deal with my period for the rest of my life!  But, as I said earlier, it is a natural part of life.  We all have to go through it.  Some point soon, I hope I can accept it and figure out  ways to move on.  I'll talk to the doctor on Thursday and see what she has to say.  But, I don't think it was coincidence that my body started to act up right when I made my appointment. 

There was a point last week when I was sitting on the couch and I said "God, if this is what is supposed to be going on in my life right now, then so be it."  I haven't actually started believing that quite yet.  I need to put a little more trust in Him right now that this is when I'm supposed to be going through this.  He has a time and purpose for everything.  I just need to trust him.  And perimenopause apparently can last for years!  So, I still have a little time to come to grips with this. 

We'll have to see how this fits with all of my challenges this year.  A friend of mine wrote about a book called Chasing God and the Kids too  on her blog.  Do you suppose there is one called Chasing God and the kids too, while dodging hormones --How to survive perimenopause with young children  ?

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